Don Goodeve - Living From Power Coaching

by GEM Magazine / Sep 26, 2015 / Comments

A subject that has absorbed a lot of my thinking recently is fear. We spend so much time avoiding it that we don't spend enough time getting to know what it really is – taking a square look at it.

Now, you probably expect that an article talking about fear is going to talk about jumping off a cliff or something similarly spectacular. No. I think that the fear that actually stops us is mundane and hidden.

We do not recognize it as we don't know what we are looking for, and as a result it lies there unexamined and has us.

It controls our lives and we get stuck in the trance.

A year before by 15 year marriage ended, I knew something was seriously wrong. Whilst this primary romantic relationship was in trouble, the additional prospect that anything could ever get in the way of my deep ongoing day-by-day relationship with my kids was so terrifying I refused to consider it.

I was doing all I could to manage this feeling I had. But I was in full-on panic mode.

As the months went by, it was clear that separation came next. Although the reasons and decisions made were the best choice available for the both of us, the process I went through, taught me a lot about my relationship with fear.

On reflection, I knew that things were not how I wished them to be for a long time, and I was doing what I could with the tools I had to move things forward.

The base fear I was operating from – which I was not clear on at the time - was ‘I am not good enough’.

To avoid staring this fear in the face, what I knew to do was do more, try harder in the expectation that this would improve things.

I then experienced profound disappointment and resentment when my efforts were not generating the results I wanted. And my habit – I turned it around, blamed myself and stoked the flames of ‘not good enough’ further and simply repeated the process.

I had the good fortune to have hired a really good Coach six months before my marriage really got into difficulty, which gave me the support to keep going when the going got really tough and to learn from the experience.

I then got a vast amount of support by signing up for a transformational Coach training program – that I went through as my marriage collapsed.

What I received from the experience was a great deal of self-knowledge. Going through what is reckoned to be number 2 on the scale of life stress events, I saw up close and personal the fears that were running my responses.

The experience was profoundly painful, and the human emotions driven up were completely natural and appropriate.

What made it harder is what I made it all mean about myself.

I turned it into; ‘I am a failure’. And then that story just no longer worked.

At one time, operating from ‘not good enough’ motivated me to try harder and succeed; top grades at school, PhD and an academic career.

Ultimately, this was unfulfilling and I switched careers and moved to Canada from the UK. In the new career I tried harder and longer, and succeeded.

I worked hard to be good enough – however I never got to experience what ‘good enough’ was like. A chimera I was always chasing and could never catch.

What I have come to realize, and now have as a regular practice, is to notice that story coming up in its many different guises.

"Not good enough."

I recognize it and practice choosing something else; Joy, Love, Connection, Peace. And over time it has loosened its grip, allowing more access to peace with myself, my own heart and power over my own life. That old story can never deliver. It is bankrupt.

A long time ago I learned to be afraid of being ‘not good enough’. That fear defined the first half of my life. I get to choose the rest of it; recognizing that ‘not good enough’ does not exist. It is a concept – a story I made up and then practiced because it seemed to work.

Looking it square in the face, I do not need to be afraid of it anymore.

There is far more life available outside of that story than within.

And I am now journeying on the far side of that fear.

By Dr. Don Goodeve

Don active involved in his 5th career; having transitioned from post-doctoral research, to tenured academic, to development engineer, to engineering consultant and now to Life, Leadership and Executive Coach. This transformational innovative spirit is the foundation of his Coaching work; supporting his clients as they break through their existing paradigms into true power and possibility.

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Phone - 250.532.9959

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